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Former freelance web developer Barbara Jacob was on the verge of breakdown because of appalling customers behavior and the huge mortgage she had to repay for all her foreseeable life. So one day she escaped to London, where she isn't happier but at least she can keep the wolf from the door. Well, and now that we are here, what we will do with our life?

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So last week I did the unthinkable: I phoned R. and apologized for my rather untidy behavior on that infamous night of Autumn. Strange it may seems, I was scared sick and at least three times I dialled half the number and I hung up. Finally I managed to dial the whole number and he didn't answer - for my utter agony. I repeated all my gruelling self-coaching and in the late afternoon I called again and he was there.

He wasn't annoyed nor hostile nor distracted: elegant in his very fashion, very present and somewhat sad, he accepted my apologies and didn't take any minimal revenge. He gave me some very weird news that I won't write here; suffice to say that well, things were different from what I expected.

R. didn't ask to see me and I didn't dare to - moreover, I was pretty satisfied just by knowing he wasn't (anymore?) mad at me, and that sense of soothing acceptation I seem always to receive from my contacts with him gave me quite a good kick. The day after I felt so relieved and delivered from my ghosts of mourning and guilt-tripping, that I was all aglow and buzzing with ideas and projects.

I took some time to think about all this, about how and why this left-handed kid has touched me so deeply, that even now that the relationship is well closed and gone, its memory lingers, and all too often I find myself thinking with a smile "R. would have said that". I reckon that the explanation could be pretty simple: a very good chemistry, and although R. didn't refrain from criticizing me every now and then, I felt generally accepted, cherished and cared for - enough to make a big difference in that sour life of mine, where intimate relationship seems always to contain an unhealthy dose of antagonism. Albeit complex, prone to boredom and quite narcissist, R. lacks pretense: he likes Coke, candy and football, he can use words like "truism" and "anticlimax" but never puts a show of his culture; he wants attention and to be listened to and valued - he has his fans but I've also heard that he is considered difficult to get along with. For me, he couldn't be simpler, and his intelligence makes him one of the most rewarding and charming people I've ever met.

Broadly speaking, his very quirks validated mines. Our friendship failed mostly because his pace was significantly slower than mine. I am a paranoid and I have problems with trusting people, so I am usually the slowest one to open up. When I've decided I can give up most of my defences, usually the other one has given up his/hers already. This time it was the other way round, and I've found myself in that unexplored place, when I had already surrendered my façade and he clung desperately to his - making in the process all my alarm bells go madly off, and precipitating the tragically ridicolous end. Moreover, maybe it's my lack of imagination, but I've never been able to figure out what place he could have taken in my life if he had remained. A lover, a friend, an acquaintance? I would have joyously accepted whatever he wanted, but in theory no one of these clichés could have applied, for various reasons, and a true free-form relationship requires a depth of character that I don't frankly see neither in me or in him.

Still, the very fact of meeting someone who was able to reach for me has changed my perspective. And even if now I don't even manage to imagine how someone else could give me even half the pleasure that the company of R. brought to me, I guess my perspective will change again and again, and the new me's could blend into the world in new and unusual ways. Isn't surprising how I have implicitely accepted to be again into the big chaos of feelings, after so many years of disdainful detachment?
Definitely I haven't see it all. More is yet to come.

And who knows, we will maybe meet again one day.

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