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Former freelance web developer Barbara Jacob was on the verge of breakdown because of appalling customers behavior and the huge mortgage she had to repay for all her foreseeable life. So one day she escaped to London, where she isn't happier but at least she can keep the wolf from the door. Well, and now that we are here, what we will do with our life?- December 2009 (1)
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When I was nineteen, I spent all August wandering in the south of France. I started alone, but at my second or third stop, in Nice if I remember correctly, I joined a strange cohort of solitary travellers that were touring on my same itinerary. It was a very peculiar group, as they had all met along the road and nobody know the others beforehand. I remember a Neapolitan girl, a couple of French gays, a Belgian guy that spoke only Flemish, two Spanish womanizers, an older man with long white hair; no language was understood by the whole group and any conversation had to be translated and re-translated. We couldn't have been more strangely assorted; nevertheless, the atmosphere was quite pleasant and I remained with them until Arles, when they went towards Spain and I left for Toulouse.
We had absoluting nothing in common, the only thing being that we were all backpackers in south France. I was quite popular in the group, but my role was the usual one of a loner with social skills. Even when I was involved, there was always a part of me that stood a step behind and watched from the outside. I was good at observing, like I've always been; I could have told with exactitude all about the nature and quality of the interactions that were going on: who fancied who, who couldn't stand who, who was happy, who had problems, and all the why's and the how's.
It was without any doubt more fun that being all alone; still, being into a community from getting up in the morning until bed time consumed all my energies. I remember, during our long stay in an hostel in Nice, retiring to my room late at night and spending one hour or more just watching out of the window the traffic of the nearby highway, and trying to numb myself into sleeping, after too much human contact. I felt empty and restless.
My life now is not too different, with the exceptions that I am not on holiday and it goes on and on.
I am not going to say that I am uncomfortable with large groups. When I worked in theatre, for example, the amount of interactions was about the same, with even a larger group; the difference being that I usually had the morning for myself and I rarely showed my sleepy face before 1PM. The most intensive experience of communal life I've had was probably during art school. It was pretty much 24/7 but it wasn't really a disparate bunch: I had my steady friends and indeed most of my daily contacts were with the same three or four individuals.
Now, every other day I arrive home late at night, after having being in company from the morning, and I feel empty and overwhelmed and still kind of lonely. What's missing from the picture? I don't know. I feel a bit stranger; ok, I am a stranger after all, but this is not the point... I felt even more stranger when I lived in my natal country and I tended to rely on a small circle of friends. Is that that I am getting old and keeping a bit the distances and also the others keep a bit the distances from me? Maybe, I am not sure. Maybe I ought to fall in love with someone and all this kind of thin-skinnedness would go away. Maybe.
Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 30/01/09 at 11:04:03 pm | randomly put in the category Me | | 5 commentsTrackback address for this post:
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Per quel che mi riguarda, la cosa peggiore, è che sento il bisogno degli altri e allo stesso tempo sento il bisogno di non avere nessuno intorno.
Sopporto per poco tempo, dopo sento la mancanza della mia solitudine.
Sopporto anche la solitudine per poco tempo, e dopo sento la mancanza di un'interazione con gli altri.
Comunque la giri, è sempre tutto insoddisfacente, e scoraggiante.
Ok, ho dato il mio contributo alla depressione, ti mando un abbraccio per salvare il salvabile :)
Pensa che tritamento essere sempre da soli o sempre in compagnia :D La tua posizione non è necessariamente scoraggiante, non se non la vuoi vedere tale, no?
Quello che trovo scoraggiante è che dopo aver interagito con altre persone per un po' tempo, mi sento veramente stanca, infastidita, desiderosa di pace, mi sembra di consumare tutte le mie energie, mi sembra che stare con gli altri sia, comunque, inevitabilmente faticoso. :D
Mettetemi in mezzo alla gente e dopo un lasso molto ristretto di tempo semplicemente non vorrò altro che rintanarmi in un angolo buio e lontano. La verità è che io alla fine non sopporto le persone, non le capisco. Non ne apprezzo le dinamiche e sostanzialmente mi affatica moltissimo cercare di stare al passo con il gioco. E più i gruppi sono ampli, peggio è. Inoltre se frequento sempre gli stessi personaggi, patisco di noia, perchè alla fine i rituali e le situazioni si ripetono irrimediabilmente e *porc* io ho la memoria fotgrafica...
A corollario di questo, ovviamente, mi lamento di essere sempre sola come un cane. E in fin dei conti ben mi sta!
I pochi amici che mi sopportano sostengono -da tempo- che io sia un'aliena con il permesso di soggiorno intergalattico. In ogni caso è evidente (cause di biologia aliena o meno) che non sono particolarmente portata per i rapporti interpersonali. Di fatto potrei dire sul campo delle relazioni con il resto del genere umano (i gatti sono esclusi, con loro vado d'accordissimo) la mia vita sia alquanto tragi-comica (più tragica forse, ma un po' d'ottimismo non guasta).
(ehm... ho litigato con la mia lingua madre in questi giorni, colpa della febbre o forse della mia condizione di apolide)
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