Le mirabolanti avventure di Barbara Jacob

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Former freelance web developer Barbara Jacob was on the verge of breakdown because of appalling customers behavior and the huge mortgage she had to repay for all her foreseeable life. So one day she escaped to London, where she isn't happier but at least she can keep the wolf from the door. Well, and now that we are here, what we will do with our life?

April 2009
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Archives for: April 2009

"You are going down. What happened to you? Are you sick?"

No, fucking moron, I am not sick - it's three months that I starve myself on salads in order to get thinner, and now yep, thinner I am.
Thinner, well groomed (well, for my standards at least), and that's all the acknowledgment I've got, from the aziendastrafica inc scatterbrained janitor. "Geez no, I am not sick and what you are saying is not very polite" I just answered, but it took all the best reassurances from Rich and the Handsome Portuguese in order to restore partially my ego for the day.

It's getting warmer, thanks srand($deity), but I still haven't adopted the summer leather jacket, except on the warmest days of the crazy London Spring.
The recession is in full swing and even aziendastrafica inc, in spite of its healthy balance, is cutting costs, jobs and benefits. No week fades away without a card to sign and/or a leaving drink. Last week we signed for all the contractors from sports department, and I couldn't help but notice that even the cards are now smaller, a A5 instead of the usual A4. Talk about cutting costs!

After nearly one year there, I am one of "the old". My popularity, which somewhat suffered after the drunken incident in last November, has recovered and is now at an all time high. I suspect that I, like the other "old", deserve some kind of homage just because I've survived and thrived for so long. But probably yep, I am exaggerating. I've said goodbye to so many friends: le Chat et le Renard, for instance, are among the most missed. I strongly suspect the Handsome Portuguese to be considering his options too. Alas, you haven't really got the time to get used to people here.

I keep in touch with The Ferret, albeit not enough as I'd want and, moreover, I feel like we haven't got much to say to each other. I am thinking about seeing him once again, if he wants too of course, just for the sheer pleasure of seeing a face I like, and to catch up for good about all that happened in these last months, even if he knows already most of my whereabouts thanks to the killer app FB and I suspect he won't dwell much about his owns. But let's wait and see.

Siuffi taught me a German work, Sehnsucht, that seemingly resumes well how I feel in this early Spring. After one year and a half in London, I've kinda settled down, the work is not difficult as it used to be, I have a modicum of economic security and a bit of social life, in short, most of the pressing issues that I faced after leaving small web agency four years ago and becoming thereafter a freelancer are sorted out. Now I am left face to face with my life and I am embarrassed on what to do with it. I don't seem to have any particular social or political inspiration; I look for love but only the romantic part of it, I am not especially looking for a long-term relationship albeit the idea of finding My Other Half is so present that it borders to obsession. But I am not really looking and I am rather discouraged: think about it - I didn't fall in love since I met Lord Greensleeves (1999!!!) and here we are, my heart crumbles in little pieces for a tormented, genial, angry twink that gives me, from an intellectual point of view, the very ride of my life - but nothing else. Even worse, what I really feel about it all, it's only it has been too short. Because little me would have gladly continued with that until exhaustion. The very important point about The Ferret, is that he was nearly perfect, the next-to-perfection thing to keep me hooked (giving, but not too much, detached, but never cold, challenging, but not cryptical...). Considering all the implications of our friendship, not only is highly unlikely that I will ever meet the Ferret 2 The Revenge, but I can only acknowledge that the very things that prevent me from getting bored in a prolonged interaction, are also the ones which prevent me to undertake a conventional relationship (which, at this point, I doubt I will ever have again). That means that my reasons for living are to be looked for elsewhere, I am afraid. In a more positive outlook, I could maybe try and build my own proprietary style of love. Maybe.

All the rest is pretty much stationary. I look forward to have something to look forward and I am trying to figure out the meaning of all this. I'll keep you posted.

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 13/04/09 at 06:55:17 pm | randomly put in the category There's someone in my head but it's not me, Me | | 1 comment