Le mirabolanti avventure di Barbara Jacob

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Former freelance web developer Barbara Jacob was on the verge of breakdown because of appalling customers behavior and the huge mortgage she had to repay for all her foreseeable life. So one day she escaped to London, where she isn't happier but at least she can keep the wolf from the door. Well, and now that we are here, what we will do with our life?

December 2008
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Archives for: December 2008

It has been a charming year.

Career-wise and house-wise, at least.

I live in a wonderful flat in northern London, and I work in the crazy aziendastrafica inc. Life is sweet on these fronts.

Health: ok but I look older. Mucho stress and struggles have taken their toll.

Personal life: for some reason that remembers me of the mantra invalid, can't reproduce, won't fix. When an issue gets assigned to you and for some reason you decide to do nothing about it, you bounce it back to the sender with one of the stamps: invalid, not often used, means that the issue raiser was out of his/her mind (no, not really, but just that it's not an issue), can't reproduce, used in the 99% of the invalid bugs, and finally won't fix - maybe is a small issue on a piece of code that is already earmarked for the great compiler in the sky.

I would use these words as a title for my personal life in 2008. A bit like saying much ado about nothing. Or not? There were some really happy times. It ended up with a big disappointment. It was quickly forgotten (not).

Ok, it would be unfair to mark it all as a dismissed bug. Still, I really hope 2009 will be richer in passion and with less of a dark overtone. I write all this but I am not very sure about what I really want.

Happy new Year to everyone, and especially to whom hold me in their arms, last year.

See ya in 2009.

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 30/12/08 at 10:14:20 pm | randomly put in the category Me | | Leave a comment

Back to work, but late as I spent half the morning on the loo (oh, fucking flu...) and managed to emerge just in time to be caught on the Great Jubilee Clogging, due to a signal failure at Canada Water (basically, that means a blown out light bulb, innit? Well, the Jubilee is still experiencing delays some eight hours after. Even I, I am quicker than that when I have to replace a light bulb).

Wrapped up my journey on the bus after some 1h '30 of stop and go on the frigging train. The bus left me just in front of the Krispy Kreme stall that aziendastrafica inc, with its policy of compensating lateness in donuts, maintains single-handedly in business. How convenient to grab my mandatory two dozens, and they even accept credit cards.

Arrived and I realized I should have stayed in bed as the boss had suggested. WD1 was a choir of coughing and sneezing: "so, you too....?". Apparently we all fell very sick as soon as Christmas Eve arrived.

Isn't that a bit sad? Like our bodies were so resigned to the daily dose of commuting-computing-commuting that they couldn't actually stand anything different and collapsed as soon as confronted with free time.

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 29/12/08 at 08:05:31 pm | randomly put in the category Me | | Leave a comment

Well, last week at work was a bit of a whirlwind.
First the move, then the WD's party which was very fun and strangely intimate, then (ah, did I mention that I gained somewhat access to a BBC party? I met two very nice girls, one from Wales and one from Iran and spent all night drinking with them - ok, maybe you would have expected something more exciting than this, but that's it...), then managed to survive until the _very_ glamorous dinner party aziendastrafica inc threw for its faithful employees.

party

But I was marred by a very nasty tummy bug and severely tired. Worked until Christmas Eve, when I realised I wasn't well at all - was in charge of the deploys and made a stupid error, with no consequences, but still, it was just luck... Fixed the NNNNth bug on the HPLP thing (geez, this thing is the bug factory, it's beautifully conceived but still, there are such careless flaws inside that reading the code actually help to de-romanticize the rollercoaster of the quite-romantic summer...) and went home just in time to faint and then grumpily swear, cough, sneeze and swear again for five days, as I was struck by the nastiest flu in years. At the time of writing, I feel better but still pretty much like shit.

2008 is running out, as usual I haven't got the slightest idea of what to do on New Year Eve, I'd like to do something fun but goddamn I forgot to ask the 31 off work - considering the poor state I am into I won't be much fit for partying.

It has been a charming year, but I'm not going to write much about its end now, as it ain't over until it's over. A lot of things can happen in three days

(a side note to someone that kindly wrote your diary used to be interesting - I know, I know, I am deeply aware that after the disappearance of The Ferret and my reabsorption into a normal, mentally healthy, productive life this diary is just a mere list of things I do and people I see - must I explain to my English readers the famous Italian adage faccio cose, vedo gente, sometimes naughtly permuted into vedo cose, faccio gente? - I know it now lacks passion and nerves but this is pretty much the season's produce, I can't invent things that are not there. Hopefully for my readers 2009 will bring to me a new, fresh truckload of struggling, confusion and heartbreak, and the diary will be interesting again. Stay tuned.)

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 28/12/08 at 07:28:22 pm | randomly put in the category Me | | 2 comments

If there are many ways to do something, and often there are, and some of them are straightforward and some of them are extravagant, guess which side will look the brains of aziendastrafica inc? To embrace the change with joy, after all, is part of the official recommendations - if it's a bit twisted, the joy comes more easily.

So, when a few weeks ago, the remaining small chunk of the 5th floor was evicted (it used to belong to a small railway company and was usually empty anyway) and annexed, for the purpose of bringing together all the scattered WD teams, I should have guessed that WD1 too was moving.

And so we are all shuffling, even those who were already comfy in the huge, crowded and noisy 5th floor (where the party goes on and on!). Every single WD has been repositioned (the citation is voluntary) in a seemingly random fashion. I will move of 4 rows towards the kitchen, will have Rebecca at my left instead of Richard, will have Nelson in front but separated by our modesty board (will build a small fleet of paper planes to get his attention). We are going to be split into two different islands, which is quite disappointing - I wonder why I should share the island with three guys from middleware - we have nothing in common!

Other changes are even more bizarre: Nick will move 6 feets but will move nevertheless. Yann is going to the new space, I will miss him - we are going to be separated from our WD2 twins.

Well, I've asked the big boss why - but he doesn't know and anyway, even if we were in Italy all would have questioned and tried to bargain no move or a different move, we are in the UK indeed and nobody bats an eyelid, not even the Supreme Boss of The Fifth Floor (subtitle: where the party is).

So, I've done what I've been severely ordered by email: labelled my box ("this is Barbara's PC"), packed my stuff (a Christmas tree, a black hoodie, two block notes and four post-it blocks, plus an undetermined quantities of obsolete wireframes that I keep to prove that I am occasionally busy doing important things - all that labelled "this is Barbara's stuff") and tomorrow at dawn I will be leaving island n.6, where so much has happened, that is so dense of memories and which, disquietingly, will remain empty, as now we have too much room.

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 17/12/08 at 08:39:27 pm | randomly put in the category Me | | 6 comments

This year I wanted to write a proper letter. We know each other since ten years (only? seems since my entire life) and I always remember his birthday - in recent years helped by the fact that the day is also the expiry date of my email domain .

But I didn't. I have enough mental intimacy with him, I could narrate nearly everything of my present life, I could tell him that I cherish the memories of all the time spent with him, that he will always be dear to my heart. That there is one particular thing that I miss of him - his way with words, the fact that he always meant what he said.

Is maybe for that reason that I haven't written much? My email can be translated into "Happy birthday, and many kisses". He has replied "Thank you, and I reciprocate the kisses".

Such paucity of words, between the two of us, used to be a meaningful, and strangely satisfying exchange. Now that I think about it, it still is.

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 12/12/08 at 08:09:19 pm | randomly put in the category Me, Aki Kaurismaki would do it better | | Leave a comment

I'd really like to know something more about the algorithm that ITunes uses to choose the songs for the random playlists. How is it possible that, being able to choose among 4213 files for a grand total of 13,7 days of potential continuous listening, in all my playlists you can find:

- Como cierva sedienta, a juvenile work of Arvo Part which is a total bore
- A radio ad about a private pension fund (wonder why is in the files in the first place, but still...)
- Some random outtake of Syd Barrett, and never one of his released songs
- An absurdely high percentage of Pascal Comelade and Ludovico Einaudi
- Since a while, one of the three songs I have in Emiliano-Romagnolo
- Something from Syd Matters
- The Bluebird of happiness, great song from disbanded group Victory At Sea, but one I've listened to at least 78 times

Either is NOT random, either their randomness can be appreciated only on a really big scale - if I'd produce some zillion of playlists, I will probably find many of them without the aforementioned items. Or otherwise ITunes has some very clever algorithm and actually thinks that I'd really like to listen to the Bluebird of happiness for the 79th time.

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 07/12/08 at 11:27:40 pm | randomly put in the category Me | | Leave a comment

[....]

Another life
Another time
We're Siamese twins writhing intertwined
Face to face
no telling lies
The masks, they slide to reveal a new disguise.

[....]

They say follow your heart
follow it through
But how can you
when you're split in two?

[....]

(Face to face, Siouxsie And The Banshees)

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 07/12/08 at 09:10:13 pm | randomly put in the category Songs, There's someone in my head but it's not me, Me | | 3 comments

I cannot read my diary, I never ever do. The last time I tried, I bumped into a picture of my black cat and felt totally defeated, and felt like someone was poking at me with a red hot iron.

Some days ago I flickered through my recent pictures in order to select some to print out and send to my father. I stared a long time to a very bad snap I have of The Ferret. I didn't feel defeated but yes, I suddenly felt the desire of talking to him, of listening to his tirades, of hugging him maybe.

I look twenty-eight, thirty in the worst days, and I have the emotional maturity and readiness to commit of a thirteen years old, but there is a place in my mind where I am old and worn out: the wounds, albeit by no means fatal, don't heal anymore. Losing someone I love, even of a marginal and unobsessive love, is becoming increasingly difficult to tolerate. It used to be so easy to just let things go: it's no more. I'm unsentimental, casual in my endeavours, but feelings... ah, they are no longer becoming, once surpassed, laughing stock for my private use.

I'm sorry if I seem sad to you - I am not. It's only a reflection that I am writing here, a newfound knowledge about the strange beast I've become. I wonder if it's going to be of any use, for keeping close cats or people it's sometimes a very difficult pursuit.

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 06/12/08 at 11:16:02 pm | randomly put in the category Me | | Leave a comment

I enjoyed the laughter of the poets
as they greeted me.
But I won't be seen here for long.
You won't be, either.

(from The Book of Longing, Leonard Cohen)

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 06/12/08 at 10:54:32 pm | randomly put in the category Citazioni, Aki Kaurismaki would do it better | | Leave a comment

Had a curry with friends in Brick Lane, it was fun and nice and definitely ok but... dear Londoners, if you want a curry, don't go to Brick Lane - go to Cricklewood instead. Go to Khana in Cricklewood Broadway - the food is hugely better and it will cost you the half. Just that Cricklewood is not so glamorous, but you can compensate by thinking to Alan Coren, the crisps, or the Goodies.

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 04/12/08 at 11:51:27 pm | randomly put in the category Me | | Leave a comment

If you don't call me, don't write me, if I don't meet you casually in the street, I just assume that during the time elapsed since our last contact and today, I ceased to exist for you.

No news to me means: no news.

Even if you are my friend, even if I am in love with you. That doesn't mean that I need continuous reassurance, it's just that I like to wander and I assume that everyone else likes that too. All is good, at least until it is.

If you break with me, for whatever reason, I feel I am yesterday news just after a couple of hours. I don't assume you could second-guess yourself in private or have whatever thought about me. To break with me is to wipe me out of your life, and this sometimes is what actually happens to you in my mind, but not all the times, not with everyone who, happily or unfortunately, departs from my horizons.

There are some people I think of every single day, but I never call or email them, and still, they are very much part of my life. I don't take the initiative and, believe me or not, I don't know why. Maybe I'm just a lazy bitch, maybe there are some more sophisticate reasons but I haven't got a clue.

During my long spells of silence, you are still with me in some way but I just don't realize it could be reciprocal. It's always with wonder that I receive trivial news like "yesterday I was talking of you with X...", wonder and amazement and sometimes a tiny amount of irritation. I imagine therefore dozens, or more probably an handful of little me wandering in the world, carried in the heads of people that I obsess with or that I barely remember. Many little me that continue to exist long after I am gone, on whom I've no control (what do they say? what do they look like? how do you remember me?); little me that aren't me, because I'm not there, because you don't call me.

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 04/12/08 at 11:34:58 pm | randomly put in the category Me | | Leave a comment

One of these days where nothing rhymes.
A vagh a let, va.

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 03/12/08 at 10:12:56 pm | randomly put in the category Me | | Leave a comment

An ongoing conversation with a male friend is about the fact that very heterosexual me seems overly attracted by gay men. Or, to put it in another way, heterosexual me has recently met some gay men who are moderately queer without excess, and found them emanating a sensuality and quiet, fragile (I wanted to write heroic, for no special reason) beauty that seems to elude heterosexual males.

Of course, in that case, the old known definition that I am actually a gay man imprisoned in a female body isn't enough to grant me their attention - this kind of object of desire usually finds me likeable and intriguing, but that's all. I have big boobs, me

Still, I'm too hungry for life to let escape the tiniest thread of exploration about myself and how I interact (I'd say how I melt, seen the recent unfortunate adventures) with other representants of humanity, and I'm very willing to look into this strange discovery. Maybe at the end of this sudden inspiration, there's a better understanding of where I stand in this absurd world.

I doubt so. But this is just a thought that I wanted to share with you. I've discovered I am attracted by some very gay blokes, and probably this is pretty much all.

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 01/12/08 at 09:57:14 pm | randomly put in the category Me, XXX | | 1 comment