Le mirabolanti avventure di Barbara Jacob

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Former freelance web developer Barbara Jacob was on the verge of breakdown because of appalling customers behavior and the huge mortgage she had to repay for all her foreseeable life. So one day she escaped to London, where she isn't happier but at least she can keep the wolf from the door. Well, and now that we are here, what we will do with our life?

December 2009
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Category: Citazioni

I remember one night when he told me cheerfully "send me a friend request on Facebook!". I reacted annoyed, firstly because such a request is a no-no (since you know my name, I don't see why you shouldn't go and proceed by your own means), and secondly because until some months ago, my neglected account on Facebook was only a receptacle for people that I feel still affectionnate to but that I despair to see ever again; a sort of shrine for my past rescued from sadness and nostalgia mostly by the presence of the "friends-for-real" AndyCapp and Wiz and a few others. I didn't want to be parked in Facebook, to become the has-been icon of a tender encounter.

(have you ever noticed how Facebook's accounts tend to be clogged with exes? Ex-roommates, ex-coworkers...)

But of course he didn't know all that - my quite eccentric attitude - and possibly he thought "the crazy Italian doesn't want me on her Facebook list". Such an occurrence, believe me, at least here, is enough to break friendships and make foes. Luckily, we actually had worse problems so this one went nearly unnoticed. At some point I ended up sending him a friendship request, he accepted and this particular incident was closed hopefully forever.

I don't despise Facebook for its corporate nature, it's the same lack of faith that makes me order Coke at the greasy spoon. I know it's bad, it's conceptually, generally bad, but either this or make with a generally unpalatable coffee. Facebook is convenient like Coke. I've never ever given the address of this diary to anyone, because inside there is a part of my inner life and I like to pretend to myself that I am anonymous here (I am not... and most readers know me in real life anyway). Like the coffee, it's kinda an one-to-one affair (in my mind at least) and contains a modicum of unknown: I don't care much who reads as long as I can carry on with my pretension of anonymity.

Facebook is the down-to-earth side of the virtual life; I am there pasted on a page with name address and biographical data and this make it much closer to day-to-day life. My friendship list contains people I wouldn't dream of revealing my inner torments to, and still, I don't accept anyone I haven't seen at least once in meat-n-bones form.

Recently, I've changed my mind about the "parking" thing and now I go with the flow and keep there... well, everyone. Except for Lord Greensleeves who doesn't have an account (but I do have his best friend in my list), and my half-brother (no account either), a good part of the people from my past and all the people from my present are there. If you are on my friends list it won't be too difficult to match the nicknames of the personnages in my diary with their real names and pictures. And you could discover for example that AndyCapp is an handsome dark man with a "don't mess with me" air, that the Portuguese Colleague has a nice smile and is an Atheist, that The Boss has sad sweet eyes and is a Sagittaire, etc etc.

I contemplate my collection and think to myself that those people are my life, that I am defined by them as much as I define a tiny chunk of each of them. It is quite fun to see them all together in a website, and I don't feel less unique because I enjoy this freeze-dried version of virtual relationships. I may seem naive but since I was a kid I dreamed of having a big book in which I could read the life of all the people I knew. I guess it came true because such imaginary references are a piece of a collective mind, that we all more or less head in the same direction...

And that makes me think that, long before the Facebook incident, I handed over for him to read "Fragments of an hologram rose", the Gibson's short story, because the last paragraph suddenly, in his company, made perfect sense:

Thinking: We're each other's fragments, and was it always this way? That instant of a European trip, deserted in the gray sea of wiped tape - is she closer now, or more real, for his having been there?

But the problem there was: he didn't know what an hologram is. Which spoiled the story for him and distracted both of us from the main topic. I tried frantically to explain all I knew about holograms, but the part that, if broken, an hologram becomes two whole, smaller holograms, left him incredulous, which really didn't forebode well. Next time I try to reach for someone I must remember to avoid all kind of metaphor. It doesn't help. Like it wouldn't help to give someone the address of this diary: would someone know me better because he or she has read my inane ramblings? I am my inner life, but I am also - and maybe much more? - some biographical data and a picture on a standardized template. At least is a good place to start from.

But each fragment reveals the rose from a different angle, he remembered, but delta swept over him before he could ask himself what that might mean.

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 03/02/09 at 12:13:46 am | randomly put in the category Citazioni, There's someone in my head but it's not me, Me | | 1 comment

I enjoyed the laughter of the poets
as they greeted me.
But I won't be seen here for long.
You won't be, either.

(from The Book of Longing, Leonard Cohen)

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 06/12/08 at 10:54:32 pm | randomly put in the category Citazioni, Aki Kaurismaki would do it better | | Leave a comment

- I know... but you're different, you see... you're from Mars.

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 21/11/08 at 07:46:53 am | randomly put in the category Citazioni, Me | | 2 comments

It must be difficult to always like the sources of our frustration and to be drawn to them.

It is a narcissistic thing, this - a punishment meted out by an already gone or absent parent.

We are drawn to our reflections ("he is so much like me!") and, being narcissists, we fall in love with ourselves through their agency and mediation, vicariously, by proxy, as it were.

These doppelganger, these alter Egos, these suddenly significant others with whom we experience such resonance, such depths of empathy - legitimize our need to engage in the most distilled form of incest - infatuation with our selves. By "loving" or "being attracted" to THEM - we actually fall in love and have (emotional and often physical) intercourse with ourselves.

This is never sustainable because, deep inside, we harbour a burning hatred, resentment, and sadistic urges directed exactly at our very selves - the selves that we so crave, that we are so enamoured of.

Thus, loving our reflections terrifies us. It leads us closer to the sources of our emotional (and sometimes imminent physical) demise. By loving OURSELVES through THEM - we provoke our idealized, sadistic parents, buried deep inside our psyches - to attack us relentlessly, ferociously, mercilessly.

Of course, we blame our significant others.

Who dares stare the abyss in the eye? It might stare back at us.

So, we attack and we withdraw and we avoid and we blame and we apportion guilt and we suffer and we torment and are tormented and then we divorce ourselves, assisted by our False Self.

We call all this - "relationships".

(Sam Vaknin)

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 18/11/08 at 04:14:35 pm | randomly put in the category Citazioni | | 1 comment

[....]
E' così strano che abbia bisogno di te
Tanto lontano, tu così diverso da me.
[....]

(L. Dalla)

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 16/11/08 at 09:35:35 pm | randomly put in the category Songs, Citazioni, There's someone in my head but it's not me, Me | | Leave a comment

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq74.html

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 15/11/08 at 01:02:10 pm | randomly put in the category Citazioni, There's someone in my head but it's not me, Me | | Leave a comment

Oggi sono un po' triste :'(
Solo un po', ma un po' sì.

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 04/11/08 at 09:03:58 pm | randomly put in the category Citazioni, Me | | 7 comments

Mentre frugavo nelle budella del file system in cerca di non so bene che, ho ritrovato per caso un cortometraggio, dal curioso titolo Fine n. 6 (in un'altra versione: Outcast), girato dal signor Manicheverdi tanti anni fa, e l'ho riguardato, non senza una certa emozione.

Era il periodo in cui gli avevo attaccato la mania di leggere l'Hagakure, ed alla fine del film c'è una citazione, appunto, dall'Hagakure:

It is a good viewpoint to see the world as a dream. When you have something like a nightmare, you will wake up and tell yourself that it was only a dream. It is said that the world we live in is not a bit different from this.

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 18/10/08 at 03:19:29 pm | randomly put in the category Citazioni, Me | | Leave a comment

- Perché sei stato via così a lungo? - gli chiese, tenendo la mano di lui - Sono stata seduta qui per giorni, aspettando che arrivassi. Mi manchi così tanto quando non ci sei! -

Si alzò in piedi e passò la mano tra i suoi capelli, osservando la sua faccia, le sue spalle, il suo cappello, con interesse.

- Lo sai che ti amo - e si imporporò - Tu sei prezioso per me. Eccoci qui, ti vedo e sono così felice che non riesco a dirtelo. Chiacchieriamo, raccontami qualcosa. -

Ella gli dichiarava infine il suo amore, ma lui era stanco, e si sentiva come se fosse sposato a lei da dieci anni, e poiché non aveva pranzato, aveva fame.

(Anton Cechov, Tre anni)

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 12/08/08 at 09:26:19 pm | randomly put in the category Citazioni, Me | | 2 comments

THE GOAL

I can´t leave my house
or answer the phone.
I´m going down again
but feeling no pain.

And that´s the great change
and mercy to boot ---
the enemy´s dead
and I don´t have to shoot.

But as for the fall:
it was writ long ago
and I can´t stop it now ---
I´m rain and I´m snow.

And I settle at last
on the ground of my soul
in shapes of the past
and shapes that unfold.

I sit in my chair
and I look at the street --
the enemy´s gone
and his absence is sweet!

I move with the leaves
I shine with the chrome
I´m almost alive
I´m almost at home.

But please do not follow
I´ve nothing to teach:
except that the goal
falls short of the reach.

(da The Book of Longing, 2007)

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 13/07/08 at 01:21:13 am | randomly put in the category Citazioni | | 4 comments

He has come to take us to a better place

www.explodingdog.com

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 17/04/08 at 11:50:06 pm | randomly put in the category Citazioni, Images | | Leave a comment

Omaggio al grande Carmelo Bene

Ho risvegliato i lupi montani ho appreso alle caverne a riecheggiare invano il nome tuo adorato; tutto rispose, tranne la tua voce. Parlami! Ho errato sulla terra e non ho mai trovato a te l'uguale. Parlami! T'ho cercato tra le stelle a venire, ho contemplato il cielo inutilmente, senza trovarti mai. Parlami! Guarda, i demoni a me attorno, hanno pietà di me che non li temo ed ho pietà per te soltanto. Parlami! Sdegnata, se vuoi, ma parlami!

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 29/02/08 at 01:26:20 am | randomly put in the category Citazioni | | Leave a comment

Si j'avais su que je l'aimais autant, je l'aurais aimé davantage.

Madonna che brutta frase. D*o, se esisti, proteggici da questo genere di scoperte.

Oggi a Dorking una grossa gatta nera con la congiuntivite, per strada, mi è saltata in braccio. Mi manca il mio Nico, e, sorprendentemente, la notte sogno M.M..
Per il resto, nessuna ombra.

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 31/10/07 at 12:33:32 am | randomly put in the category Citazioni, Me | | Leave a comment

Rien n'est jamais acquis à l'homme Ni sa force
Ni sa faiblesse ni son coeur Et quand il croit
Ouvrir ses bras son ombre est celle d'une croix
Et quand il croit serrer son bonheur il le broie
Sa vie est un étrange et douloureux divorce
Il n'y a pas d'amour heureux

Sa vie Elle ressemble à ces soldats sans armes
Qu'on avait habillés pour un autre destin
A quoi peut leur servir de se lever matin
Eux qu'on retrouve au soir désoeuvrés incertains
Dites ces mots Ma vie Et retenez vos larmes
Il n'y a pas d'amour heureux

Mon bel amour mon cher amour ma déchirure
Je te porte dans moi comme un oiseau blessé
Et ceux-là sans savoir nous regardent passer
Répétant après moi les mots que j'ai tressés
Et qui pour tes grands yeux tout aussitôt moururent
Il n'y a pas d'amour heureux

Le temps d'apprendre à vivre il est déjà trop tard
Que pleurent dans la nuit nos coeurs à l'unisson
Ce qu'il faut de malheur pour la moindre chanson
Ce qu'il faut de regrets pour payer un frisson
Ce qu'il faut de sanglots pour un air de guitare
Il n'y a pas d'amour heureux

Il n'y a pas d'amour qui ne soit à douleur
Il n'y a pas d'amour dont on ne soit meurtri
Il n'y a pas d'amour dont on ne soit flétri
Et pas plus que de toi l'amour de la patrie
Il n'y a pas d'amour qui ne vive de pleurs
Il n'y a pas d'amour heureux
Mais c'est notre amour à tous les deux

(L.Aragon)

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 30/10/07 at 11:47:29 pm | randomly put in the category Citazioni, Amici, Me | | Leave a comment

Piove sul destinatario,
Piove sul mittente,
Piove sul latore della presente.

(credo sia di Ennio Flaiano)

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 04/09/07 at 11:11:15 am | randomly put in the category Citazioni | | Leave a comment

I know my chickens
a short poem

Whoever hides in the chicken pen
could be friend or foe
to get to know the right hen
one must look high and low.

Be sure to watch out for the Cock!
As a surprise may be in store,
he could decide to mock
or just turn out to be a bore.

So if you really desire
to get to know a chicken
be vigilant, make haste
and you shall not be stricken!

Maria Bellini

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 03/09/07 at 10:53:27 pm | randomly put in the category Citazioni, Amici | | Leave a comment

I divide my officers into four classes; the clever, the lazy, the industrious, and the stupid. Each officer possesses at least two of these qualities. Those who are clever and industrious are fitted for the highest staff appointments. Use can be made of those who are stupid and lazy. The man who is clever and lazy however is for the very highest command; he has the temperament and nerves to deal with all situations. But whoever is stupid and industrious is a menace and must be removed immediately.

(Kurt von Hammerstein-Equord - generale tedesco collaboratore della Resistenza)

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 08/08/07 at 05:21:35 pm | randomly put in the category Citazioni | | Leave a comment

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.

Ernestine Ulmer

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 15/05/07 at 09:24:45 pm | randomly put in the category Citazioni | | Leave a comment

Stamattina mi sono commossa quasi alle lacrime leggendo il famoso speech di Steve Jobs.

Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

[...........]

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

[............]

Rifletto su quello che mi ha detto D. l'altra sera: come due cose che erano state fatte (una da lui, una da me) per scopi diversi hanno finito con il causare eventi a catena positivi e del tutto imprevisti. Era così contento: lo sentivo dalla sua voce, ed anche lì quasi mi veniva da piangere (in questi giorni sono meno glaciale del solito), perché mi sono ricordata di cosa vuol dire essere entusiasti delle botte di culo che ogni tanto la vita ti mette sul cammino, essere felici perché le circostanze ti dicono che stai facendo la cosa giusta.

In questi giorni ho lavorato per il mio ecommercino, che, per la cronaca, ha anche già venduto un paio di cose.
Fino ad ora, tutto è stato imbroccato giusto.
Il cliente ha un progetto di business preciso ed è disposto a pagare quello che occorre per avere gli strumenti; è davvero molto esigente ma non spaccaballe.
L'ecommercino è nato bene fin quasi dai primi vagiti: dopo un design che non sarebbe andato da nessuna parte (anche se era già stato approvato dal cliente), ho avuto un'intuizione favorevole ed in tre ore ho fatto il design finale - completamente diverso.
Gira su un cms che ho fatto io, per cui lo conosco alla perfezione, ed è compliant con tutte le cose che volevo io e che voleva il cliente: codice valido, accessibile, multipiattaforma, search engine friendly, immune dal cross-scripting.
Potenziali disastri che si sono presentati lungo il cammino sono stati efficacemente risolti tramite enormi botte di culo e feroce impegno da parte mia.
Il sito è mio, l'ho persino firmato. E' un mese che ce l'ho sotto gli occhi ma non mi ha ancora rotto i maroni.
Non c'è nessun commerciale o capo progetto in mezzo.

Questo progetto mi fa riflettere su quello che vuol dire lavorare in condizioni quasi ideali, confrontato alla mia realtà di tutti i giorni. Ho capito in che senso va cambiata la mia vita: anche se il dream customer ovviamente non lo si incontra tanto spesso. Ho capito che se non cambio direzione continuerò ad accontentarmi di bricioline, e ringraziare pure.

E' tempo di cambiamenti.

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 31/03/07 at 01:38:30 am | randomly put in the category Citazioni, Me | | 3 comments

The surest way I know of to get a crushing blow to your heart is to tell a narcissist you love her or him.
(J.M. Ashmun)

Lady sings the blues so well
As if she means it
As if it's hell down here
In the smoke-filled world
Where the jokes are cold
They don't laugh at jokes
They laugh at tragedies.

......

And I have walked these streets so long
There ain't nothing right, there ain't nothing wrong
But the little wet tears on my baby's shoulder
The little wet tears on your baby's shoulder

Lady lights a cigarette, puffs away, no regret
Takes a look around, no regrets, no regrets
Stretches out like branches of a poplar tree
She says, i'm free
Sings so soft as if she'll break, says
I can sing this song so blue
That you will cry in spite of you
Little wet tears on your baby's shoulder
Little wet tears on your baby's shoulder

.....

But now it's time
To say goodbye
Some might laugh
But I will surely cry
Little wet tears on my baby's shoulder
Little wet tears on my baby's shoulder

Lady lights a cigarette
Puffs away, and winter comes, and she forgets.

(Regina Spektor, Lady)

Proudly broadcasted by barbara_jacob starting from 19/03/07 at 01:48:58 am | randomly put in the category Songs, Citazioni, There's someone in my head but it's not me, Me | | Leave a comment